Just some aimless rantings

I'm sitting here at my computer this morning. I woke up at 8:30am, fell back asleep, woke up at 9:45, fell back asleep, then woke up for the final time at 10:30. I'm a lazy bum.

Anyway, I'm buring a cd right now so I can listen to it when I drive to the testing center to take my Book of Mormon midterm today. I had about 14 minutes, so I decided to blog quickly. I'm a fifth of the way to meeting my goal of 50 blogs by the end of the semester. Although, the quality of all these blogs put together is probalby about the equivelant of 6 or 7 well-crafted ones, since most of them are just my aimless rantings.

As I said, I have a BOM midterm today. I haven't really studied for it so I hope I do alright. I'm kind of not in a studying mood right now. The mood that I really am in I can't quite say--I just want to go do something funner (I know "funner" is not a word) than sitting in front of a computer or at a desk). Alas, this seems to be my fate today, as I have a test to take, and then an English paper to touch up before I turn it in.

Tonight I get to go sit at a desk and talk on the phone for two hours at my job. I'm a telemarketer. It's actually not all that bad. The people I work with are fun, and most of the people I talk to are nice. And besides, I only have to work for two hours on Friday instead of the usual four. After work I'll get to go out and do something fun with my best friend.

Let's see, let's see. My room is a mess right now. I am living in my Aunt and Uncle's basement unti November, but I'm usually not here except to sleep (and the occassional friday morning when I blog). So, I have most of my worldly possessions piled in this corner over here, and that corner over there. Some clothes strewen on top of some boxes, and some boxes piles ontop of those clothes. I'm looking forward to when I'll move out in November. Not because I don't like it here-- it's actually a lot of fun and I love being with my relatives,--but because then I'll get to have more space to put my stuff. Oh yeah, I have a feeling my new roommate will be a lot of fun too.

Only four more songs left to copy to CD. It should be done soon. Yup yup. Well, the time is far spent, there is little remaining. So I think I'll call this a blog entry and be done. Bye bye.

"Oh where, oh where, can my lost pens be? Somebody took them away from me..."

Do you ever wish you could get some answers to some of life’s really daunting questions? Questions like, “why on earth would you want a solar-powered flashlight”, and “who in their right mind created the show TeleTubbies?” and perhaps the most daunting of all, “If everyone is always loosing their pen, and no one is ever finding one, where have all the lost pens gone?”

Seriously, this is no joking issue. Have you ever stopped to think about it? I mean, I have probably found one new pen in the last six months. This hardly makes up for the fact that I have lost about sixteen. Where have all these pens gone? Is there some lucky person—some lucky BYU student—that is hoarding all the lost pens on campus?

Or is there a humongous pit somewhere in southern Utah where all the lost pens have ended up. Well, the last idea isn’t very plausible, but it’s a lot more fun to think about. Obviously these pens don’t just sprout legs and walk away (or do they? Maybe they get sick of being tossed around in backpacks, dropped onto the floor, overused…or underused. If I was being treated like pen, I would sprout legs and walk away.)

There’s always the less-likely possibility that there is a pen master-mind out there, a pen fiend if you will, that is secretly collecting the earth’s supply of pens and plotting some scheme to take over the world by exploding them all at once, covering the earth with a plethora of ink and thereby blotting out all great written documents worldwide. Of course then the only reasonable solution would be to turn to this would-be mastermind for all guidance and direction in everything we do…forever.

Didn’t think the lost pen crisis was so important to your every-day life, did you?

So maybe you don’t buy into the cataclysmic ink escapade that will spell this world’s doom. Surely you’d like to find this stash of pens, wouldn’t you? Even if it wasn’t to save the world single-handedly? While people are out searching for the Holy Grail, the Ark of the Covenant, and the Lost City of Atlantis, they’re missing out on the bigger opportunities for wealth. If you’re losing a pen every week, and that pen is worth $1.24, that’s $4.96 a month, which is $59.52 a year, which is $4761.60 in a lifetime.

Yeah, now you’re paying attention. Come on Indiana Jones, lay aside that hat and whip and grab a BiC; it’ll be worth more to you than that Holy Grail ever will.

Vultures

Vultures.

Circling;
wide irregular circles.
Tracing a peculiar pattern as they search for prey.

Darting;
back and forth.
Zooming in parallel patterns while they scan the scene.

Seeking;
on all sides.
Scanning eagerly all around for the solitary traveler.

Stalking;
quiet and mysterious.
Following the victim unaware to his destination.

Fighting;
intense and fearless.
Combating new voracious vultures for the prize.

Plunging;
abrupt and careless.
Swooping in to secure the kill.

Circling.
Darting.
Seeking.
Stalking.
Fighting.
Plunging.

Vultures.
Students
fighting for parking in a full Y-lot.
Vultures.

Giving a Sacrament Talk

I remember the word game MadLibs from when I was a kid. You would play with a friend, and he or she would ask you for the first word you could think of that was a noun, very, famous place, adverb, etc. etc. They would fill all the words into the MadLibs book and then read you the silly story that you helped to create.

It has occurred to me numerous times while sitting in Sacrament Meeting that many sacrament talks follow the MadLibs format. I’m not trying to be irreverent, or sacrilegious, but I think it’s sometimes funny how “cookie-cutter” talks can get. So I thought it would be fun to write a MadLibs sacrament talk, although I wouldn’t recommend actually filling in the words and giving it in front of the congregation.

Oh yeah, by the way, this sacrament talk is ©, ®, and ™, so don’t even try to give it in your ward unless you give me, the author, the full and deserved credit.

"Red, Yellow, or Green? I choose.....GREEN!"

Ok, so I'd like to gripe today about the traffic lights in the Provo Orem area, particularly on 900E, University Parkway, and University Ave. Before I tell you my gripe, let me set the background:

I frequently come home to Orem from Provo late at night. I'm half asleep already, and there are virtually no cars on the road. Even if there are cars on the roads I mentioned above, there are never any cars on the smaller side roads. As I'm driving home then, it would seem plausible that I could expect a clear route; no cars in my way, no traffic jams, and certainly no traffic lights. However, it seems almost nightly that as I am traveling down one of these deserted roads that I inevitably come to a red light. I stop. I look around. I look around again. And then I wonder, "Why is this light red? There isn't another car in sight." I'm a patient person though, so I sit. And wait. And look around. And then the light changes to green...a green left turn arrow. Not helpful. I wait. And I sit. And I look around some more. And I think to myself, "What, aren't Provo's taxes high enough that they can afford to install motion sensor traffic lights?" Well, the light eventually turns green in my favor and then I'm on my way home, probably to be stopped like that at least once more.

Could someone please tell me why the traffic lights work this way. I think to one that bugs me the most is at the "intersection" of University Parkway and the entrance to the Marriott Center parking lot. I say "intersection" because it actually isn't a road at all. It's a place where a parking lot exits onto the main road. For crying out loud! What's the deal? If they can have traffic lights so sophisticated that the police can hook up little controllers to them and change them at their whim after every football game or big event, whey can't they tell the light outside the Marriott Center, "Hey! Don't turn green between the hours of 8pm and 6am unless a car comes up." Now, is that so difficult? I think not.

...maybe my "knack" is freewriting

...or maybe not. I think that if I had to choose a knack it would be hitting my head on things....yes, that's definately it. Now, this might have something to do with the fact that being 6'7" could be seen as genetically inferior in a world where most people are under 6'. or, maybe there's just an architectual problem, and people need to stop designing doors that are 6'7" tall.

either way, i seem to have a knack for hitting my head on objects that most people wouldn't (i.e. doorframes, the ceiling). Yes, the ceiling. So, a few days ago i was walking down to stairs in the Brimhall Building and there's that low hanging ceiling on the second floor. and i, being the tall person that i am, walked headfirst (literally) into it. well, my first reaction was to act as if nothign happened, look around and see if anyone saw (they didn't) and then once I got to the bottom of the stairs to casually rub my head as if i just had a slight itch. it actually hurt a lot, and I think I've learned my lesson.

maybe hitting my head on things will knock some sense into me and help to know when to duch a little lower. maybe not. another time i used this "wonderful" knack was when i was walking out of the Roman Gardens complex south of campus and hit my head on the ceiling...yes, the ceiling....or a low hanging part of the ceiling anyway. Did that hurt? sure it did. I hit the top of my head that time, so I had hit the top of my head, and the front of my head.

Then another time I was reaching into the back seat of my car while i was sitting in the drivers seat and as i brought my head back up to face forward again i hit my head on the dome light hanging from my rollbar. oh boy oh boy, that's everypart of my head i've hit in the last week. maybe i should wear a helmet.

Commentary on Bryson's Style

Bryson’s style is most enjoyable because he is speaking in layman’s terms about things that normally wouldn’t be understood by the average person.  He accomplishes this through his use of vocabulary and his punctuation, but mainly through his conversational style.  When Bryson writes, he writes as he speaks, not as if he were going to turn a paper in to his English 115 teacher.  When reading his book, if feels as if you are engaging in a conversation with the author.  As if you are asking him the same questions that he is asking, and then listening to his response.

His knowledge of the audience and his expertise in the field are both conveyed by his use of vocabulary.  For example, when explaining the size of the universe, he explains it in terms of scientific discoveries and light years, and mentions Albert Einstein’s theory of relativity.  These things contribute to his credibility in his field, but they do not help the average reader to understand anything except for the fact that he is credible.  In order for the content to be understood, Bryson then takes the style as speaking to one who has never heard of the topic.  He explains the size of the universe (or at least the solar system) in terms that the average person can imagine.  He depicts how long it would take to travel to the outer edges of the solar system in a spaceship, compares those times and distances to those of earth from the moon and the sun, and gives examples through that even an elementary-schooler can understand (i.e. the model of the universe if we were to draw it to scale using a pen and poster paper.

On the whole, I like Bill Bryson because he talks with me as a reader instead of just taking at me.  He helps me to feel that the topics he is discussing are ones that anyone can understand by putting them into simple words and terminology.

So What About the Immaculate Conception Anyway?

As transcribed from my New Testament notes

In ancient mythology, female goddesses were abundant. Many of them took leading roles and motherly characteristics. Isis (sp?) was on of the most popular Egyptian goddesses around the time that Christianity was spreading across the [known] world.

When Christians came from the west (Great Britain, etc.) to convert the Greeks to Christianity, the Greeks brought with them many of their traditions and myths concerning female goddesses.

In the fourth century the Catholic Church began to teach the doctrine of original sin- that man is inherently corrupt because of the method by which he is conceived; that Adam and Eve transgressed by having sexual intercourse, and that sex therefore is evil. Incidentally, a later doctrine of the Catholic Church in Augustine's time was that the physical body itself was evil.

At the council of Nicea, where various Church leaders met to decide upon the nature of Christ, the question was risen, "Christ is not tainted; how is it that He could avoid being conceived in sin?" This led to the doctrine that Jesus was conceived through a means other than sexual intercourse.

But, the question was still present, "If Jesus was born from Mary's body, even though she maintained her virginity, how could he avoid the stain of original sin from her blood?" The answer (which is not supported Biblically) is that Mary herself was not conceived through sexual intercourse, but by an immaculate other means. Thus, Mary becomes the immaculate conception, without the stain of original sin, and is able to pass this on to Jesus.

The supposed account of these events can be found in "The Infancy Gospels." These gospels are not widely accepted however, as scholars have proved that they were written in the fourth century, just around the time that the Catholic Church started to teach this doctrine of Mary's immaculate conception.

The problem then arises that if Mary is not tainted by sex, she can never be tainted by sex, and must become a "perpetual virgin." Most Christian scholars argue that since the Bible says that Joseph "knew her not until [she had brought forth Jesus]" (Matt. 1:25 KJV) there is implication that he did "know" her after she gave birth to Jesus. Matthew 13:55-56 seems to confirm this fact, as it mentions Jesus' four other brothers and numerous (at least 3) sisters.

The Catholic Church skirts these arguments with examples they extract from the Infancy Gospels by saying that Joseph had been in a previous marriage and brought children from that relationship when he married Mary.

This theme in Catholic tradition can be seen in period artwork. Paintings from that era portray Mary as totally pure, even angelic, and nearly always place a halo over her head, as well as the Christ child's. Jesus is drawn as a baby, but with an adult-like face. Joseph is portrayed as an old man with a beard and a walking staff. The tradition being that Joseph played more of a caretaker role in relation to Mary, and not that of husband.

Again, the argument of Joseph's age seems implausible since it was Jewish law that men marry when they were eighteen years of age, and there is no mention of any previous relationships Joseph may have had. He is described, more than once, as a just, or righteous, man. In addition, the Greek, which has specific words for step-daughter and step-son, never uses said words in the New Testament, including in references to Jesus' brothers and sisters.

In the Style of Bill Bryson

A time when I discovered that I knew absolutely nothing on a subject.

Throughout my college career, it seems that I am constantly made known of the fact that I actually know very little about most facts. One instance stands out in particular, my freshman year in Biology class. As a group assignment, we had to work together as a team to answer the question, "How can I minimize my ecological footprint?" Well for starters, what the heck is an ecological footprint? And how can I work on minimizing it if I'm not even sure that I have one? The problem ate away at me, not so much because I cared intrinsically what my ecological footprint was, but because I cared that my teacher thought I knew what it was so that he would give me an A in the class.

This purely selfish drive motivated me to do my research and I soon discovered that my ecological footprint was simply the imprint, or effect, that I had on the environment. Well, of course I had one of those. Anyone who took a look at the heap of trash-yes, a heap. The trash in my room had far exceeded the capacity of my trash can- in my dorm room knew that empty pizza boxes and old soda cans must be having some impact on the environment.

But from a more scientific standpoint, I started to track how my daily actions were impacting the environment. How much trash I consumend (or how much material I consumed that generated trash), how I helped or destroyed the natural life around me. I began to see how I interacted with my environment, and how my environment interacted with me (or how it would have liked to interact with me). No doubt, there are a few trees that would have liked to smack me in the head when I pulled off their leaves.

By the time the project was over I became a pseudo-expert on the topic of environmental protection. And because I was totally uneducated at first, I took a layman's approach and simplified the knowledge down to something even I could understand.

To Nair© or not to Nair©: Getting Rid of Unwanted Body Hair- For Men

It’s a hair-raising question (excuse the pun); “How do I get rid of that unwanted black furry stuff that keeps growing back even when I tell it not to?” In a word, “how do I get rid of unwanted hair?”

Let’s face it. In today’s American Society too much hair is unattractive and undesirable. Women are expected to have clean-shaven legs and armpits, any facial hair beyond the little peach fuzz is unacceptable, and back hair is out of the question. Phobia of the “excess-hair stigma,” has resulted in many developments for hair removal over the past few decades. Doctors have created many methods of advanced hair removal, everything from creams or waxes, to expensive laser hair treatment. Still, many people prefer to stick with traditional forms of hair removal, such as plucking with tweezers or shaving.

But whether you’re a plucker, shaver, or electrolysis junky, everyone has some amount of unwanted hair on their body that they want to remove, and we’re not just talking about women. It’s a fact of life that men often have as much hair in unwanted places as women do. No man wants the lack of hair on his head to be compensated for by the amount on his back. And chest hair thick enough to braid is most embarrassing (unless you’re trying out for the next opening in Planet of the Apes).

Fortunately, there’s good news. With today’s options, hair can be removed from almost any part of your body that you can think to grow it (everywhere from chest, back, arms, legs, face, head, and some unmentionable areas). Most men know that it’s possible to get rid of that hair, but they aren’t quite sure how. There must be an easier way than plucking each hair out individually (ouch!) or shaving three times a day. After all, if bodybuilders with their seemingly hairless bodies can do it, then there must be a way for the average Joe. And what about Grandpa Charles, who wants to remove those unwanted protruding ear hairs?

Well, Grandpa Charles may still have to settle for Grandma Maple plucking his hairs out for him. But, for everyone else, there is a vast array of options. One of the most popular options nowadays is the dermatologist-recommended product Nair for Men©. It is marketed as “providing a complete hair removal regimen that removes unwanted hair and exfoliates and moisturizes your skin in one easy step.” It really is as good as it sounds. In the amount of time it takes to watch your favorite sitcom, the average Joe can completely remove unwanted hair from most of the major concern areas (Nair for Men© is safe for the back, chest, arms, and legs). Results usually last anywhere from 1-2 weeks, and for a little under $6.00 a bottle it’s a good quick solution.

The bad news is also that results only last for 1-2 weeks. Men looking for a more permanent solution will find that Nair for Men© may not be the answer (especially since it takes about a whole bottle to do a nice thick lather over the chest and stomach). And for those men who want to rid themselves of unwanted facial hair, Nair for Men© is not the solution either, as it cannot be used on the face.

So what about the guy that gets his 5:00 shadow at 1:30? Is there no solution? Well, no cheap one. If you’re looking for cheap, your best solution will be to stick with the $15.00 Mach3 razor, and use it three times a day. If that’s not acceptable, you’ll have to be willing the shell out a little more dough. The solution is laser hair removal.

Today there are laser hair removal centers all over the country that offer multiple treatment options. Although the cost varies depending on hair density, treatment area, number of treatments, and the geographical location in which you live, the average cost still manages to work itself out to about $420.00 per treatment. The good news is that laser hair removal is available for nearly every part of your body, including both men’s and women’s faces.

If you want temporary relief from hair try Nair for Men©. For the cost and ease of use it might be worth just buying a new bottle every two weeks. Need a more permanent solution, or want to have facial treatment? Laser hair removal is your best option, but you’ve got to be willing to test that credit card limit. There are other options available out there, but unless you want to pluck each chest hair out, or have a lip wax every three weeks, your best options to avoiding a hairy situation are one of the two mentioned above.

The Beginning of It All

Well, what a marvelous day it is to be sitting in the HBLL in lovely Provo, UT. Ok, so it's actually 7:40 at night, I've been on campus all day, haven't eaten since 1:30, and I'm anxious to get out of here. The reason I'm sitting here writing this blog is because I really don't have the brainpower (or any other power for that matter) to think on deeper topics; say, for example, how I'm going to afford driving back and forth from Orem everyday with gas at $2.87 a gallon.

But alas, here fate has found me, surrounded by other hard working students in the periodicals section of the library. Or perhaps they're not as hard working as they appear. Perhaps, just perhaps, like me they are sitting there gazing down at their textbooks and marriage prep assignments, but actually wondering, "what am I doing here? Who am I? Where did I come from? Where Am I going?" Ok, ok, so maybe they're not thinking about the golden questions. Who knows, maybe they're not even Mormon, but being at BYU I would have to wager that they are, even though I'm not in the habit of wagering.

Back to the weightier matters of blogging. It seems that for 14 minutes a day, for 50 days (let's see...that's...700 minutes...which is...a little over 11 hours!) I can think of some productive way to put this whole ordeal to some use. Instead of just, as they say, "chewing the fat" for this part of my existence perhaps I could ponder the deeper meanings of life, figure out some unsolvable problem (how many licks does it really take to get to the tootsie roll center of a tootsie pop?), or maybe just start writing my Book of Mormon paper. This is the world wide web we're talking about. Who knows who might stumble across my work. The CEO of Random House? A producer from ABC? Or maybe the tootsie roll owl himself?

Maybe a "journal noir" is in order. I could start every entry:

The night was muggy. 'ot and muggy. I was feelin' kinda lonely sitting behind my desk, eager to erase the last case from my mind. That's when she walked in.

Well, Utah certainly isn't hot and muggy tonight. And the cool fresh air certainly is enticing. And, what do you know, our 14 minutes together are up. Tune in next episode for...well...something worth reading, I'm sure.